How Jennifer met her husband through a matchmaker on the first date after wasting 4 years with the wrong guy!
Love is life's greatest mystery! I've spent 15 years working elbow deep in people's love lives, read just about every popular dating and relationship book (I recently got rid of 5 trash bags of them!) and devour all the academic research on the topic I can find.
While I can't say that I've "cracked the code" to all love's mystery (or I'd be a billionaire and an algorithm could find everyone "the one") there are some simple truths about love that I've discovered. Early on in my career, I sometimes felt like Nancy Drew, I realized success leaves clues and went over each match with a fine tooth comb. After managing the love lives of over 60,000...there are patterns and predictable outcomes that I observed over and over again.
Like many simple truths, they are often revealed and most easily understood in a story. One of my favorites is the story I frequently refer to as Jennifer and the Case of Cinderella Logic.
The story begins in 2003. I was working at a dating service that set up lunch dates for busy professionals. That's where I met Tim. I called him my John F. Kennedy Jr. client. He was tall, very good looking, a sharp dresser and from a very prominent family. He was 34, had a graduate degree and owned his own business. I thought I hit the client jackpot, in the sense that he'd be the easiest match I'd ever made. Two or three matches and he'd be riding off into the sunset with some lucky girl...or so I thought.
Eighteen month later I still had Tim. I felt like a failure. How could I not match this guy? What was wrong with me? Was I in the wrong profession? I called him in for a meeting to talk about it. He explained that I had matched him with women who were everything he was looking for...but he just didn't have any lightning bolts or fireworks with any of them. I encouraged Tim to keep meeting matches but in the back of my mind I was literally freaking out.
Two weeks later, Jennifer walked into the office. She had recently broken up with her boyfriend of 4 years and cried through a whole box of tissues during the one and a half hour consultation. He told her from the beginning that he never wanted to get married, but at 28 years old she wasn't ready anyway. She used what I call Cinderella logic to ignore the red flags and thought to herself "I've never felt this way before...and therefore this must be True Love...and if it's True Love, then everything will work out!" So she went on her merry way with butterflies in her tummy and didn't think much of it for 4 fun years.
Until one day she woke up and she was 32. She rolled over in bed, snuggled up to her man, laid her head on his chest and sweetly asked "Honey, when are we going to get married and have babies"? His reply was devastating, "Babe, never. I told you from the beginning, I'm never getting married. You have your place. I have my place. I love you, but this is all it's ever going to be. I like things the way they are".
That day, she packed up the things she had at his apartment and she walked out the door. Two weeks later she came to see me. She became a member with tissue in one hand and credit card in the other and I'll never forget it. She said "Sign me up, but put me on hold for 30 days. I'm going to watch chick flicks and eat ice cream all weekend and cry. Then, Monday morning I'm going to the gym and spending the next month wrapping my mind around the fact that I'm going to be dating again".
Well 30 days later I sent Jennifer out on her first date with...you guessed it...John F. Kennedy Jr. guy. Long story short, they fell in love, lightning bolts, and fireworks, maybe even some rainbows and unicorns...they got married and now they have 2 kids in elementary school. It was her FIRST DATE and it was his 19th MONTH!
I love telling this story because it has so many great clues into simple truths about love (I've watched it play out over and over again ever since) that make the mystery of love not so mysterious...
Clue #1 Persistence and Taking Action
It's easy to take time out from dating and even give up on looking for weeks, months or years...maybe you even believe you'll be alone forever. You may eventually start to believe that if love is "meant to be" it's just going to effortlessly fall in your lap when you're least expecting it. Tim persistently dated for 19 months before he found "the one". He didn't give up. When Jennifer got serious about finding the love she deserved and took action, he showed up right away!
Clue #2 Timing
Tim was ready to find his match BUT for 18 out of the 19 months he was actively looking, the woman he was meant to be with wasn't even available. Jennifer met her future husband on her very first date! Sometimes it happens! This story has actually given many clients hope and courage to take a leap of faith and take action just like Jennifer did and in very short period of time they find someone and it's helped others stay positive when it feels like they've been ready for a long time and they're getting discouraged waiting. When they finally find their "one" they always say it was perfect timing and worth the wait!
Clue #3 Cinderella Logic
Cinderella Logic means ignoring red flags because you have sooo much chemistry your brain literally stops working. While there are men who will lie to get a woman in bed, I've found most men will say exactly what they want in a relationship and women IGNORE IT because they've "never felt this way before". Don't be that woman! Don't make decisions exclusively based on chemistry and stay away from men who list chemistry as their sole criteria. Everyone wants to be attracted to someone, but there are many other factor that go into building a happy and lasting relationship. Remember, most men say what they mean and mean what they say. If they want a commitment from you, you WILL know it and they will not be speaking "in code" and leaving you wondering.
Clue #4 Love Doesn't Discriminate
It doesn't matter how nice, attractive, educated or successful you are. There is no short cut to finding true love or avoiding heartbreak and disappointment. Tim didn't get an express pass for being a high-quality guy. In fact, high quality singles often struggle to find an exceptional relationship because they're not willing to settle. Have you ever heard that beautiful women don't get asked out much. It's true. They definitely don't get an express pass. A lot of guys assume she's so beautiful she must be taken or feel like they're going to have to work too hard competing with other guys for her attention.
Clue #5 Get Back Out There ASAP
If you're sad, disappointed and even devastated by a break-up that's normal and understandable. Determine a time frame to wrap your mind around it and then get back out there...it's the commitment to moving on and the forward momentum in that direction that will help you start anew...not waking up one morning in the distant future with a "feeling" you're finally 100% over it. The longer you spend licking your wounds, the longer they'll take to heal. In my experience the people who do not wait a very long period of time to get back out there actually find someone new much more quickly than those who spend years alone.
Clue #6 Believe In Love
This time 30 days from now you too could be experiencing the lightning bolts and fireworks you are searching for! Your next match could be your last match. It's easy to go down the negative rabbit hole when you're alone and think it's never going to change. But all it takes is that one date that is your LAST first date and your life is different forever. Love can change everything in an instant!
This story has a happy ending for me too. I finally knew for certain that I had found my calling in life as a Matchmaker and have continued to make matches all over America, Canada, for television and have advised people on finding love in 15 countries! I've been fortunate to work with so many amazing singles and be part of their journey to finding true love. Maybe I'll even get to be part of yours!!! :)
The first step, sign-up for finalmatch.com and schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation with me.
Kristina Lynn is a Matchmaker and Coach who has managed 42 international matchmaking offices and the love lives of more than 60,000 clients. She is one of the original Beverly Hills Matchmakers and now lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.